Remember when I had that fierce first day? Well, the film that had those photographs that I had taken is ruined. Ruined. *pause while I descend into a puddle of tears.*
Okay I’m back. So I had thought that I had got film for 36 shots but I was wrong, I got 24. But I shot until I was at 36. Therefore, I was not able to rewind or transport film. I learned my lesson. That will never happen again. I proceeded to taken the ruined film out of my camera and put in the black and white film that I have. I already shot that roll of film and rewound it successfully so that I just need to take it to get developed. I’m out of film but I’ll get some when I go get the black and white roll developed. It’s tempting to give up with two rolls of film ruined but I learned how to do things right so it’s not completely wasted. I am very upset that I don’t have the great photos that I took but I’ll take better photos. Also, the shots I got with the black and white film seemed really good when I was shooting them – I just wish they were in color! Hopefully, the prints will be good!
When you talk about relationships in our society somebody will always say something to the effect of “you don’t want to settle,” “make sure you don’t settle,” “don’t settle,” “you don’t want to feel like you’ve settled,” et cetera, et cetera. Now, I will make a disclaimer before anybody freaks out by what I am about to claim. If you are in an abusive relationship of any kind this does not apply to you. With that out of the way let me continue my thought process. I won’t pretend to be an expert on marriage by any means. My husband and I have only been married a measly year and a half. Honestly, we have not any major conflicts in our short marriage, but then to be completely honest, most major conflicts we dealt with before we walked down the aisle(err, sandy beach. Hehe.) But here’s a thought: The whole fear of settling in a relationship is an idea straight from the pit of hell to sabotage your marriage. Or, if you don’t like my colorful language it is a trap. [Sidenote: I am actually really proud of myself for thinking of this because this is truly an original idea! I have never heard anyone speak of this before.]
Allow me to elaborate; When you are constantly filtering your relationship through the lens of “Have I settled?” you are always on the lookout for “Have I settled?” therefore guess what you will think when you are upset at your spouse? That’s right. Here’s the thing; if you leave it up to your spouse to make you happy you will at some point feel like you settled. Let me explain my thinking, here. I believe that marriage is a picture of God’s love for His Church as the Bible states. The awesome thing about God’s love is that it is perfect. Completely and utterly perfect. But you didn’t marry God. You married a human. A flawed being. Therefore you don’t get perfect love; you get a picture of perfect love. And if human marriage is a picture of God’s love it is a picture drawn by people with no paintings skills. That is why the whole “don’t settle” jargon is a trap. You have already settled. At some point, in a relationship you want to be in, the thought of “have I settled?” will cross your mind. You may not agree with the thought, to which you should push the thought away, for it can only breed dissatisfaction. I think that is why I dislike this concept so much, it breeds dissatisfaction, it encourages you to think there is something better out there. The grass is greener on the other side and all that. No, it’s green where you water it. Dude, just build a pool and a hot tub – who cares what the grass looks like?
Considering that it is Christmas time it should come as no surprise that I was out shopping with my sisters. We were at Anthropologie and while we were there I see this beautiful stapler. As in simply gorgeous! Now, you wouldn’t think that a stapler could stop you in your tracks, but, alas, it is possible. And then I had a thought if I had a studio with an office this stapler would be on my desk. That thought was followed up quickly with “that would mean I was successful at having my own photography business.” Gasp. Then, it occurred to me that I’m dreaming! I’ve imagined something for me in the future and I’m going to make my dreams come true. So if you ever thought that you couldn’t get inspired by something as mundane as a stapler, think again.
As adults, I don’t think we dream enough. We get caught up with the jobs we have and the bills we’re paying and the kids we’re raising. All these things are good. We are sacrificing for good reasons, namely providing for our family and taking care of our child(ren). But chasing our dreams can benefit our family even more than it benefits our self because if we are enjoying our occupation, perhaps our family wouldn’t get the leftovers. I’m not saying I’m miserable with what I’m doing. Generally, I am always happy. I get a taste of being depressed for a few hours and realize very quickly that it does not suit me. All I’m trying to express here is that as humans, we get into a routine, more importantly, we get stuck in a routine. Right now I am young enough to idealize the way I want my life to be lived and that is something I don’t want change. I want the good life. I want it really bad.
My boss texted me a few days ago asking me if I would come work for a few hours. I immediately responded that I couldn’t because my mom was out of town, therefore I didn’t have anyone to watch my baby. Even if I didn’t have my sweet little bundle of joy I probably would have said no anyway because over the past few months I have increasingly worked toward spending my time investing in things that I truly care about.
Roughly two years ago I read a book by the pastor of the church that my husband and I attend. The book’s name is Chazown. It is a Hebrew word meaning dream, revelation or vision. The book is all about finding God’s vision for your life. Throughout the book I remember something to the effect of, “We say no to things we love, so that we can say yes to things we love more.” I give the example of me saying no to go work for a few hours because for one thing I love working and I love getting paid. But I am saying no to working somewhere that doesn’t help propel me toward my dream job and saying no to getting paid now so that the pay off later will be worth so much more.
I have always worked toward being a “Yes Person.” Growing up I remember hearing no a lot. Now, as an adult and new parent I recognize that you tell a child no quite frequently but I didn’t desire to always tell someone no. “No you can’t go outside,” “No you can’t play video games,” “No you can’t go see that movie,” “No I’m not driving you there,” “No you can’t have ice cream,” et cetera, et cetera. I realize that I was looking at that through a child’s eye but at the same time there were times that you can just say yes. You can stop what you’re doing and go outside or go get ice cream. However, whatever horror I saw in saying no as a child I took to an extreme as a young adult. I worked too much. I said yes too much and, yes, I love working but, “We say no to things we love, so that we can say yes to things we love more.” So now I am learning to be a “No Person” and saying no to things that I may even love so that I can say Yes to things that I love more. I am currently working part time at a fast food joint, cleaning two houses because I’m running my own little cleaning business. When I’m not taking care of my sweet little girl I am devouring photography information. I am eating it for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Plus a midnight or 2am snack. But I am working toward reworking my schedule so that I can focus on my businesses alone.
In conclusion, I just want to state that it’s important to say yes and to say no. Say yes to the things you want to and say no so that you say yes later.
So I had a crazy idea. Like super duper crazy. I wanted to create my own photography business. I’ve always liked the idea of having my own business. I have envisioned owning a coffee shop or bookstore or a coffee shop bookstore. But then I would think about competing with big chains and how you would have to be open all the time and I would mentally cringe but at the same time I loved the idea of owning your employment.
For as long as I can remember I have loved the arts. Initially, I fell in love with music. Ahhh. Even the word music has a melodic ring to it. From a young age I sang, played the violin and piano. I eventually saved enough money to go buy a guitar and so for my then boyfriend’s (now husband) birthday I bought him and me a guitar each. I dropped like 800 bucks. That was fun and I was way too generous of a girlfriend (my guitar was barely 200). But that was the most money I had ever spent at one time and I still look back at it fondly. Growing up I wanted to be a performer, which I still find appealing. But I just quote Shakespeare to myself and have moved on to a different kind of stage, namely the world or at least my corner of it.
“All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players…” ~ Shakespeare
After music I fell in love with painting and went on to spend disposable income on canvases and paints. Perhaps I’ll go more in depth on my love for painting and sculpture but suffice to say my 4 month old has been to more museums than most adults!
Finally, I found myself increasingly drawn toward photography. I think that being in a very digitalized world everyone likes photography. We are living in a world of social media where we scroll through strangers photo albums. We have a certain satisfaction that comes from having a great profile picture and even more satisfaction when our likes on said photo get higher and higher. But I am not suggesting that taking photos on a phone is good. I think everyone at one point had a friend that made a photography page and was using their phone camera. Eww. I am being serious about this!
So I want to create a photography business and I mean that seriously so naturally I need a camera. But not a camera, a camera. In the back of my mind I have always been planning on purchasing an “artsy camera” as I would call it. I mentioned to my mother that I was saving for this and she goes on to tell me that my dad has a canon film camera, multiple lenses, filters, a light for a dark room and I’m just thinking a JACKPOT. Within a week I have found this mysterious camera equipment – you think you know your parents and then they surprise you. I went to a photography shop and got film and was just awaiting for a good sunny day with some natural light.
Mysterious camera that my dad had
The day arrives and I spend hours trying to get film in the camera. I get so frustrated that I ruined one roll of film. After reading the one page of directions from the manual and watching two videos I finally get the film in! I was in the car at the time and I notice the sun is setting. Good lighting. I had dressed my 4 month old for a photo shoot hours before so I run out to this field and lean my 4 month old against a pole and the lighting is so perfect! I’m doing an army crawl trying to get the best angle. I’m slightly upset that my baby girl can’t sit up yet but the setting is so good that I don’t really care. I take a few shots and then decide I’m good. I get up to find I am covered in stickers. Whilst doing my army crawl I hadn’t even noticed the field had stickers in it! But they didn’t even bother me. After messing with the film for hours and figuring it out just in time for the sunset I was way too happy with what I consider a perfect first day to care about stickers.
I haven’t seen how those photos turned out yet because the roll of film still has some shots available but if they’re how I think they are it really will have been a successful first day.