Monotony

Florida life is beautiful. It’s December right now and yet it feels like summer. I am seriously considering going to the beach today simply because I could. This might seem silly to someone who’s lived near the beach or vacationed on a beachย frequently but for me, having grown up and lived in a landlocked state my entire life, the ability to visit the beach on a random warm day is quite a feat.ย 

Izze and Beach 061

Currently, I am blessed and cursed with the luxury of endless time on my hands. Since I turned 16 I have always worked at least part time to more often full time or 40 hours+ a week. When I worked regularly I would fantasize about a time when I would have ‘time’ to pursue art to my hearts content and yet now here I am with endless time and I feel more unproductive than ever. There is a myth or lie that our culture teaches: busyness = productive. Of course, just because you are busy does not mean that you are being productive or successful. I heard someone say that Samsung is really busy, but Apple owns 90% of the smartphone market with iPhones. I’m not busy at the moment because I just moved to a new city, therefore I don’t really have any connections or obligations. I’m not working, although I will definitely say that watching my 16 month old is a full time job. With that said, I don’t remember ever aspiring to being a stay at home mom, yet I essentially am one. My life can be summed up in one word: Monotony.

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My desire is to create something, something great. Yet, I find myself immobilized and trapped by daily life with an infant/toddler. It’s hard to accomplish anything when the only time you really have to give something your full focus is the 2 hours when she’s napping. My head was spinning with an idea for a book but I barely accomplish the little blogging that I do so I don’t know how I would ever time for a book. Then, I have an idea for songs that I would love to compose on my guitar but it’s hard to play the guitar when you want your child to be sleeping. Plus, I feel a desperate need for a piano to help chord. I desire to paint but I would have to finish painting before the paint dries out…I love art, and I desire to do art and I don’t have anything draining on my time besides my one sweet child so why haven’t I created anything? I’m not sure if this post is more of a lament or more of a desperate command at myself to do the things that I want to do. Just do it.

Not feeling so fierce so I am telling myself my mantra, “be fierce”

(un) fiercely,

alexandria

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