The Settle Trap

Matrimony, Parenthood, & Family

When you talk about relationships in our society somebody will always say something to the effect of “you don’t want to settle,” “make sure you don’t settle,” “don’t settle,” “you don’t want to feel like you’ve settled,”  et cetera, et cetera. Now, I will make a disclaimer before anybody freaks out by what I am about to claim. If you are in an abusive relationship of any kind this does not apply to you. With that out of the way let me continue my thought process. I won’t pretend to be an expert on marriage by any means. My husband and I have only been married a measly year and a half. Honestly, we have not any major conflicts in our short marriage, but then to be completely honest, most major conflicts we dealt with before we walked down the aisle(err, sandy beach. Hehe.)  But here’s a thought: The whole fear of settling in a relationship is an idea straight from the pit of hell to sabotage your marriage. Or, if you don’t like my colorful language it is a trap. [Sidenote: I am actually really proud of myself for thinking of this because this is truly an original idea! I have never heard anyone speak of this before.]

Allow me to elaborate; When you are constantly filtering your relationship through the lens of “Have I settled?” you are always on the lookout for “Have I settled?” therefore guess what you will think when you are upset at your spouse? That’s right. Here’s the thing; if you leave it up to your spouse to make you happy you will at some point feel like you settled. Let me explain my thinking, here. I believe that marriage is a picture of God’s love for His Church as the Bible states. The awesome thing about God’s love is that it is perfect. Completely and utterly perfect. But you didn’t marry God. You married a human. A flawed being. Therefore you don’t get perfect love; you get a picture of perfect love. And if human marriage is a picture of God’s love it is a picture drawn by people with no paintings skills. That is why the whole “don’t settle” jargon is a trap. You have already settled. At some point, in a relationship you want to be in, the thought of “have I settled?” will cross your mind. You may not agree with the thought, to which you should push the thought away, for it can only breed dissatisfaction. I think that is why I dislike this concept so much, it breeds dissatisfaction, it encourages you to think there is something better out there. The grass is greener on the other side and all that. No, it’s green where you water it. Dude, just build a pool and a hot tub – who cares what the grass looks like?